Staff List: The Worst of the Internet Music Videos

download (1)We’ve all seen them. In fact, we’ve all probably seen them all more than once. There’s a lot of awful stuff out there on the internet, especially when it comes to homemade and badly produced music videos. Here’s Badger Senate’s list of the worst of the worst.

10. “Take U To Da Movies” – Bangs

If you for one second thought chivalry was dead, think again. Rapper BANGS’ quite viral song, “Take U To Da Movies,” describes the kind of suitor most women are looking for. The kind of guy that takes you to the movies and gets you popcorn. But BANGS doesn’t stop there. He knows what else you like! Though I’m not sure if the whole song is a euphemism, I am sure that the video production is stellar. Who can argue with a guy who raps in front of a screensaver picture of a fancy car? Not I. –Melissa McDougall

9. “Without You” – Mark Gormley

If “Without You” doesn’t speak for itself, then the YouTube comments say it all. PunkRockGirl24 sums Gormley up easily, saying, “It’s like Jethro Tull and the Scorpions had a baby… and his name is Mark Gormley.” Iirish face announces, “watch and learn bieber” while several dozen other comments dramatically compliment Mark Gormley’s unique, riveting, and unparalleled performance. Gormley obviously had support. When backed by a big-name production studio like The Uncharted Zone, it’s difficult to churn out anything less than grade A material, and that’s exactly what Mark did. Though a trained eye could barely pick up the subtle signs of green screen usage, most of “Without You’s” special effects are on par with the blockbuster Hollywood productions of today. “Without You” gets an easy 10/10. –Paul Stefanski

8. “Miracles” – Insane Clown Possy

I don’t know who should be more offended by this song — scientists or believers. On one hand, scientists are called “mother fuckers” and “liars” for their simple courtesy of describing the basic workings of magnetic forces. But on the other hand, miracles are being written off as anything someone could understand after having gone through a second grade science class. Magnets, ocean wildlife, genes, stars, and yes — even mars — are all addressed in this track as miracles. But what can you expect while seeking life advice from two grown men in face paint? The true irony is that life’s biggest miracle is left unaddressed, and that is how this song is able to go on for four minutes and twenty-two seconds. –Alex Baumgarten

7. “Smell Yo Dick” – Riskay

“Let me smell yo dick.” If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that… But I digress. Forget checking a man’s phone, or looking into his bank account, just smell his dick to tell if he’s cheating. It’s a truly brilliant strategy for catching him in the act if not for, you know, it being insane. In the video, Riskay, having sniffed her boyfriend’s dick and discovered that he’d been at the strip club, decided to do what anyone would do in that situation and started destroying his stuff. Of course, Riskay not being your average girl, does it in style. She throws his phone out the window and pours bleach all over his clothes, all while wearing some skimpy lingerie. I’m not even sure why this song is on the list, what with her melodic chorus of smelling his penis and the man’s rap about it being big enough for the whole town. –Jacob Conflitti

6. “Lemme Smang It” – Yung Humma ft. Flynt Flossy

When Turquoise Jeep Records members Yung Humma and Flynt Flossy released “Lemme Smang It” in 2010, my roommate and I couldn’t tell if the rappers were being serious or not. The content is vulgar, semi-offensive, and also hilarious. We for some reason went to their concert and also played the song on repeat for far too long. We knew the dance moves, too (embarrassing). “Lemme Smang It” was so bad that it was actually sort of good. They were, in a way, being both innovative and creative: Instead of telling their women that they wanted to smash it and bang it, they smashed the words together to create “smang,” a “smash-bang fusion” of sorts. I still can’t tell if the duo is being serious with any of their songs — “Why I Gotta Wait,” “Fried or Fertilized,” “Go Grab My Belt,” etc. — but their ridiculousness is so entertaining that you get trapped in a spiral of watching Turquoise Jeep video after Turquoise Jeep video.

Between the bizarre green-screen background, fake facial hair, and the awkward smang it dance move, they’ve made some weird music video choices. But the (hopefully) parody rap is also entertaining, and it’s so bad, that it’s actually sort of really good. It wouldn’t have more than 12 million views on YouTube if it didn’t have a glimmer of greatness in it. –Kelly McLaughlin

5. “It’s so Cold in the D” – T-Baby

In 2008, Michiganders the world around came together to the tune of “It’s So Cold in the D” by T Baby. Well, kind of, anyway. Upon clicking play, the listener is immediately transported to what feels like the beginning of a really cheesy porno with terrible acting. However, instead of a weird dude with a mustache, a confused-looking woman, I’m assuming T Baby, appears and begins singing (Screeching? Whining?) about the trials and tribulations of living in good old Detroit, Michigan. While almost anyone you ask has heard of this song, you’d be hard-pressed to find any human who genuinely enjoys it—it’s grimace worthy.  The bottom line is this: this song sucks, and everyone who thinks that it’s good sucks too. With over seven million views, “It’s So Cold in the D” propelled T Baby to instant stardom, though not for the reasons she may have wanted.  –Noveen Bajpai

4. “Christmas” – Krispy Kreme

So John Cena…is he a big deal? The bearded elf standing next to a pre-teen Santa in Krispy Kreme’s “Christmas Rap” music video seems to think so. Eight out of the ten things this peculiar elf wants for Christmas have John Cena’s face on them, making me wonder, is he trying to appeal to John Cena fans or just make fun of them? I would say the latter, but Krispy Kreme’s other tracks seem to be pretty genuine which makes me think that this is a serious attempt to make something impressive. If it is, then it makes the line, “Second thing on my list guess what / It’s a really cute girl with a really cute butt” followed by “Mom said you’re not allowed to touch a girl’s butt until you’re grown up” that much sweeter. –Tom Johnson

3. “It’s Thanksgiving” – Nicole Westbrook

All I wanted was to express to the world the pure elation that this joyous holiday assures. The image of a perfectly-roasted turkey surrounded by smoothly mashed potatoes, and wiggly cranberry jelly creeps into my mind and I can’t resist the genuine grin of glee spreading across my face. Thanksgiving just evokes that internal need to spin around in a driveway and scream to the heavens in thankfulness.

The succulent feast would not be the same without my own personal rap interlude that I write each year. It’s best to bust out the rhymes when the guests are least expecting it too – only adding to the “wow” factor. Nothing screams thankfulness more than praising the turkey gods by using their thighs as a microphone.

The cherry on top of the perfect Thanksgiving holiday – beyond the bountiful feast, gathering of loved ones, and raps of thankfulness – is of course when my favorite uncle/rapper moseys in, turkey outfit in full swing. These are just all of the normal components of any traditional Thanksgiving. I hope you all can relate to my normal, down-home, American celebration of food, friends, love, and turkey dance parties (similar to how the Pilgrims and the Indians celebrated back in the day)

*Disclaimer: I am not actually Nicole Westbrook – this is an imagined dialogue of what I am 99.3% sure is running through her head as she makes her breakout music video: “It’s Thanksgiving.” –Hanna Sutton

2. “Hot Problems” – Double Take

For my own sanity, I want to believe that this video is a joke. The music video sensation I refer to is entitled “Hot Problems,” a three-minute exploration into the lives of two young, white, “hot,” and apparently affluent girls with an overwhelming pride in their “textbook perfection” (their words, not mine). The two girls desperately desire their troubles to be understood (yet still distinguished from us mere “non-hot” folk): “Hot girls we have problems too / We’re just like you, except we’re hot.” But mostly, they have it all, with heteronormative beauty at the forefront. They have the “blond hair / Blue eyes and class,” but they seem to be lacking an essential part of being a musician—the ability to sing in tune and on beat. Don’t worry, the lyrics in this song are truly clever—they even rhyme “open their eyes” with “realize,” and take advantage of the homophonic qualities of the words “butt” and “but.” The two blondes also know a thing or two about definitions of words—an ability that can hardly be rivaled by the dictionary (“People start rumors / And say things about me”). The song rises to a climax when the girls break out into some truly golden rap—and all hope fades with the words, “Just kidding, we’re perfect.” –Juhee Lee

1. “Why Must I Cry” – Reh Dogg

Coming in next on the list is the emotional and haunting ballad “Why Must I Cry” by YouTube user RehDogg. RehDogg’s passion is evident as he belts out the chorus, “Tell me why / Why must I cry?” The expressive vocals of RehDogg are highlighted by the intense and refreshingly human music video. Unlike other rap videos which feature cars and money the average listener could only dream of, RehDogg effectively connects with the viewer by showing himself doing everyday things such as driving, running through the woods, trying out the local batting cages, and showering.

In addition to sudsing up in the video, RehDogg showers us with a variety of content, in his own words: “This music video is about a man whom befriended a fatherless ghetto boy. The boy stole from him time and time again. This video also speaks of a man who fathered twins with a woman he felt no love for.” –Austin Johnson